The saga continues into it's third day......
"Third day and she's gotten her second wind. I shouldn't have asked her how she was feeling. I think it's funny that she's trying to start a fight, trying to make some sort of warped point, It's too late, I've already shut her out. [child] even said to me, "I wish grandma would knock off her attitude!" I told him not to say that, it's not nice, but I just don't want her starting in on him next. I'm no longer allowed to get on the computer, (no biggie, I can check my mail & surf at school,) and I'm not allowed to watch TV either, (whatever, most of what I watch is on NBC.) So fuck you, you are not hurting me. She calls me immature while she does this childish shit!? I am so over her games. She's gonna be the one who looks like an idiot when I let it roll off my back and Dad finally loses his temper. He's not going to walk around on egg shells for too long. I'm sure she's cooking up new ways to piss me off and hurt me so she can start a fight before Dad gets home so she can play injured mother. Wonder if another "heart attack" is on the way? If I get passionate about my view points, I'm overreacting or being too negative....if only she could look in the fucking mirror!!! She overreacts to EVERYTHING! I wish I had a lot of money so I could get the hell away from her.
I knew she would start a fight before Dad got home! Fucking Aunt G got on the phone to me, took everything I said and twisted it around to HER. Last time I tell her anything. So I'm there, trying to apologize and of course, I'm getting screamed at, called stupid, irresponsible, lazy, selfish, biker chick, worse than [a girl she deemed white trash], jobless....all of the regulars she says to me, except she left [NPD Grandmother] and [General Fuckup Uncle] out of it this time. Then she starts swinging, smacked me in the side of the head! Did she think I was just going to stand there and take it? I grabbed her hands and threw them away from me. She kicked me out again saying she'd call the police if I took my own child. I told her to go right ahead. She said pack my shit and get out. I looked her dead in the eyes and said, "I'm done." Poor Dad had to hear it from her when he got in the house, he was pulling in the driveway as I was packing. [Child] was crying because he thought grandma was going to take him from me and then she wonders why no one respects her or wants to be around her. She's fucking crazy! It's so unfair how she terrorizes our lives. I'm so tired of being blamed for everything that's wrong in her life. I've never been able to do anything right in her mind. No more, the nano second I get a chance to get out safely, I'm gone! She thinks we couldn't possibly get along without her, if only she knew how wrong she is. Things would be so much more peaceful. [Child] and I have gotten along SO much better since she's in her room. I would be sad if she died, but at least we'd all be free. I just wish she'd leave me alone. Time for bed now. Dad told her to drop it and move on. We'll see what I get yelled at for tomorrow."
So, I was punished. LOL, that was always one of her favorites, take stuff away from me. Now mind you, the computer I was banned from was one that I had bought. Everything in me was screaming for my Dad to help me, but it wasn't until he got annoyed with it that he told her to stop. Immediately after I grabbed her hands so she couldn't hit me again, she got this evil look in her eyes, gritted her teeth and said, "You tried to hit me. You did hit me. You hit me!" I did not try to hit her, but she proceeded to tell my Father that I did. When he asked me if I had, it killed me. I said, "If I had, I wouldn't have stopped Dad. I was preventing her from hitting me again." But the fact that he even believed it for a second.
Yes, I was jobless, thanks for reminding me that I can't find one in this piece of shit town...she was jobless too! I should have called the cops, to this day, I regret not calling them. But the inner monologue she had instilled had me convinced that it was somehow my fault. I was selfish for buying something for myself, which I still rarely do, instead of buying her something. I don't know if that was what sparked her, she had been going on and on about a particular gem stone that she didn't own a piece of. Maybe I was right about her ordered bed rest almost being over with....she does like to milk each illness for all it's worth. If that doesn't work, she'll injure herself. After I had moved out, she broke her ankle going out to the car at 2 in the morning for a carton of cigarettes and she slipped on the stairs. My immediate thought? She did it on purpose, but only meant to twist her ankle. See, they were having family down from another state and she didn't feel like cleaning the house, so she tried a different body part to the, "too injured to help much," scheme. She didn't bargain on her bones being so brittle from years of smoking and letting your sugar run low so you could binge on candy. I came and I helped, but I didn't stay, she was not pleased but couldn't say anything. I almost pitied my Father that day as I looked at the piles of ashes and butts everywhere, a garbage bag stationed right next to her stake of the couch full of candy wrappers, soda cans and empty cigarette packs, but then I remembered every time I had to apologize for nothing. I remembered every tire mark from that bus I was constantly tossed under. He let this monster grow and she was his problem now. I got in my car and drove home to my family.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
The Last Straw Pt. 2
I am just going to launch into the second half of this journal post....it may be jumbled in parts because I was so hurt and so angry as I was writing.
"Maybe I should start blaming her, if she hadn't told me all my life, "you're doing it wrong, let me do it." Nothing I have ever done has been right in my life because it's not what she would have done. She's so much fucking better than everyone else! If she's not careful, she's gonna push Dad away again, then how is she going to pay the bills? It seems like we're just in this life for her to yell at and put down.
I know what's going to happen. She's gonna calm down and come to her senses, then act like she had every right, because god knows, the world revolves around her, and everything we do is with her in mind. This had nothing to do with her and it's none of her fucking business!
I was right! Once again, she apologizes in her own way after faking a heart attack so she could blame me for killing her. I love how any time she 's wrong, she mysteriously "gets ill" so that she can still be right and we can't defend ourselves. I've been onto that trick for years, not foolin me!
I don't think I've ever heard, "I'm sorry," come out of that woman's mouth. But, of course, she's never wrong. Some of the things she does to us, she just acts like it's no big deal. But if we were to act in kind....gods forbid, we're trying to kill her! She always has to be right and we just have to smile and agree, even though we know she's full of shit. She keeps pushing the way she does and she'll be left all by herself. Who's gonna be there for her to put down? Who's gonna not panic when she goes into a low blood sugar reaction? I mean, who goes with her to the fucking Dr. ALL the time? Who held a can of cold fucking soda to her ass so she wouldn't bleed out? Who called the ambulance on her 19th Birthday because she went into a coma!?! NO! I'm trying to kill her because I got a couple of tattoos!!! I wish she knew how stupid she is and that we just think of her as the person who screams and tells us what to do. We'd be better off if she wasn't here. We'd probably just hear her from there though.
Second stage has started. She's agreed to let me use her car for the next week till I can get my car fixed. It's not like I asked, I was fully prepared to take the damn bus. She's afraid of being found out because Dad was going to take her to the Dr's tomorrow and she'd have been exposed as a fraud and Dad would have been livid. Aunt G is going to going to jump all over her shit tomorrow though. She'll explain it as, she didn't want to spend the money or Dad couldn't take a day off of work. She's so full of shit. So back to the second phase; she said about the "serious talk" like she always does. I played the part of being ashamed of myself, (the 5 yr old), and she did the, "never been so mad at you, what a rotten person you are, you NEVER do anything in this house, it's time for you to grow up," routine. She wants me to call Aunt E and Aunt G and tell them, "what I did." I got news for her, I already told them and they want to see my new tattoos. If her dumbass could remember a fucking thing anyone told her, she'd remember that I already told her about them. She says I only told her about one, she never fucking listens to a damn word I say! She's always thinking about herself, always thinking about how she can get one up on us. I just stood there wishing her head would explode, or her voice disappear along with the rest of her. She's taken to calling me by my full name to try and prove her point, I think it's funny. It's so freeing once you stop actually caring what your Mother thinks."
Good stopping point as there is more. I will try to clarify a few things and add some thoughts. So, at this point I saw her game, I knew her moves.....and I was hoping everyone else would see them too AND the blatant unfairness of this situation. I was always hoping Dad would finally stand up to her and put her in her place, but it didn't. I think he tried a few times, but there was always hell to pay afterward, so he stopped.
My Mom had this annoying habit of acting nonchalant when she knew she was at fault for something...we'd get an oops and a shrug. We weren't afforded that luxury, if we didn't act like we deserved to be flogged so that the queen herself could graciously pardon us or not at her will, all hell would break loose. The diabetes subject will have it's own longer post, but as it pertains to this post; She was diagnosed as diabetic, but never took it seriously because she's a sugar junkie and will not be denied her snacks and candy. On my 19th Birthday I was babysitting a kid next door and my other neighbor came to tell me, she called him to get me to take her to the hospital (the house I was at didn't have a phone). The kids brother was now home and said brother's girlfriend was comforting me moments before because I had just found out I was pregnant, lovely. I go home, open the door and find her laying unconscious.....I go into automatic mode. Checked for a pulse, still breathing, won't wake up, get the phone, call 911, grab the address book to call people from the hospital, grab a plastic bag, explain to 911 what's going on, take the plastic bag and start filling it with every prescription bottle in the bathroom, they are on their way, go open the front door, try to wake Mom up again, sniff the liquid that remains in the cup she spilled, apple juice, stick the spilled ice cubes back in the cup, take the cup to the kitchen and put it in the sink, grab a dish towel and try to dry the spill while trying to wake her up, EMT come in, she starts to rouse, they ask her name and she gives them mine, they look to me for confirmation, I shake my head no and explain that it's my name, they take her in the ambulance, I grab all the stuff and lock the door as I head to my car, briefly explain to kid's brother why I have to go and he's in charge, practically hold my breath the entire way to the hospital, give the hospital what information I have from her wallet, go over to the pay phone and call my Dad's work to get a message that he needs to come, call my Aunt and tell her what's going on. Then, I stopped holding my breath and fell apart behind a potted plant.
The soda can, sigh. She wanted a mole removed and the Dr. obliged but didn't realize it was a vein cluster. It took a lot of cold pressure and a few hours before she finally let me call an ambulance. I was washing blood off myself, out of clothing and out of carpet for days.
Those were only two things, out of the many that I have done for her, but it will never be enough. Once I realized that, I was able to start seeing everything the way it actually was. The longer I was away from her, the more clarity I got. It will NEVER be enough for these people and you will NEVER catch the carrot they are dangling. They like the role of the martyr and will do almost anything to stay in that role. They will turn on you like vipers and make your life miserable until they are satisfied you are back in your place. There is no winning, they will go in circles for hours and days until you are so dizzy and confused, they have you admitting to anything just to make them stop.
"Maybe I should start blaming her, if she hadn't told me all my life, "you're doing it wrong, let me do it." Nothing I have ever done has been right in my life because it's not what she would have done. She's so much fucking better than everyone else! If she's not careful, she's gonna push Dad away again, then how is she going to pay the bills? It seems like we're just in this life for her to yell at and put down.
I know what's going to happen. She's gonna calm down and come to her senses, then act like she had every right, because god knows, the world revolves around her, and everything we do is with her in mind. This had nothing to do with her and it's none of her fucking business!
I was right! Once again, she apologizes in her own way after faking a heart attack so she could blame me for killing her. I love how any time she 's wrong, she mysteriously "gets ill" so that she can still be right and we can't defend ourselves. I've been onto that trick for years, not foolin me!
I don't think I've ever heard, "I'm sorry," come out of that woman's mouth. But, of course, she's never wrong. Some of the things she does to us, she just acts like it's no big deal. But if we were to act in kind....gods forbid, we're trying to kill her! She always has to be right and we just have to smile and agree, even though we know she's full of shit. She keeps pushing the way she does and she'll be left all by herself. Who's gonna be there for her to put down? Who's gonna not panic when she goes into a low blood sugar reaction? I mean, who goes with her to the fucking Dr. ALL the time? Who held a can of cold fucking soda to her ass so she wouldn't bleed out? Who called the ambulance on her 19th Birthday because she went into a coma!?! NO! I'm trying to kill her because I got a couple of tattoos!!! I wish she knew how stupid she is and that we just think of her as the person who screams and tells us what to do. We'd be better off if she wasn't here. We'd probably just hear her from there though.
Second stage has started. She's agreed to let me use her car for the next week till I can get my car fixed. It's not like I asked, I was fully prepared to take the damn bus. She's afraid of being found out because Dad was going to take her to the Dr's tomorrow and she'd have been exposed as a fraud and Dad would have been livid. Aunt G is going to going to jump all over her shit tomorrow though. She'll explain it as, she didn't want to spend the money or Dad couldn't take a day off of work. She's so full of shit. So back to the second phase; she said about the "serious talk" like she always does. I played the part of being ashamed of myself, (the 5 yr old), and she did the, "never been so mad at you, what a rotten person you are, you NEVER do anything in this house, it's time for you to grow up," routine. She wants me to call Aunt E and Aunt G and tell them, "what I did." I got news for her, I already told them and they want to see my new tattoos. If her dumbass could remember a fucking thing anyone told her, she'd remember that I already told her about them. She says I only told her about one, she never fucking listens to a damn word I say! She's always thinking about herself, always thinking about how she can get one up on us. I just stood there wishing her head would explode, or her voice disappear along with the rest of her. She's taken to calling me by my full name to try and prove her point, I think it's funny. It's so freeing once you stop actually caring what your Mother thinks."
Good stopping point as there is more. I will try to clarify a few things and add some thoughts. So, at this point I saw her game, I knew her moves.....and I was hoping everyone else would see them too AND the blatant unfairness of this situation. I was always hoping Dad would finally stand up to her and put her in her place, but it didn't. I think he tried a few times, but there was always hell to pay afterward, so he stopped.
My Mom had this annoying habit of acting nonchalant when she knew she was at fault for something...we'd get an oops and a shrug. We weren't afforded that luxury, if we didn't act like we deserved to be flogged so that the queen herself could graciously pardon us or not at her will, all hell would break loose. The diabetes subject will have it's own longer post, but as it pertains to this post; She was diagnosed as diabetic, but never took it seriously because she's a sugar junkie and will not be denied her snacks and candy. On my 19th Birthday I was babysitting a kid next door and my other neighbor came to tell me, she called him to get me to take her to the hospital (the house I was at didn't have a phone). The kids brother was now home and said brother's girlfriend was comforting me moments before because I had just found out I was pregnant, lovely. I go home, open the door and find her laying unconscious.....I go into automatic mode. Checked for a pulse, still breathing, won't wake up, get the phone, call 911, grab the address book to call people from the hospital, grab a plastic bag, explain to 911 what's going on, take the plastic bag and start filling it with every prescription bottle in the bathroom, they are on their way, go open the front door, try to wake Mom up again, sniff the liquid that remains in the cup she spilled, apple juice, stick the spilled ice cubes back in the cup, take the cup to the kitchen and put it in the sink, grab a dish towel and try to dry the spill while trying to wake her up, EMT come in, she starts to rouse, they ask her name and she gives them mine, they look to me for confirmation, I shake my head no and explain that it's my name, they take her in the ambulance, I grab all the stuff and lock the door as I head to my car, briefly explain to kid's brother why I have to go and he's in charge, practically hold my breath the entire way to the hospital, give the hospital what information I have from her wallet, go over to the pay phone and call my Dad's work to get a message that he needs to come, call my Aunt and tell her what's going on. Then, I stopped holding my breath and fell apart behind a potted plant.
The soda can, sigh. She wanted a mole removed and the Dr. obliged but didn't realize it was a vein cluster. It took a lot of cold pressure and a few hours before she finally let me call an ambulance. I was washing blood off myself, out of clothing and out of carpet for days.
Those were only two things, out of the many that I have done for her, but it will never be enough. Once I realized that, I was able to start seeing everything the way it actually was. The longer I was away from her, the more clarity I got. It will NEVER be enough for these people and you will NEVER catch the carrot they are dangling. They like the role of the martyr and will do almost anything to stay in that role. They will turn on you like vipers and make your life miserable until they are satisfied you are back in your place. There is no winning, they will go in circles for hours and days until you are so dizzy and confused, they have you admitting to anything just to make them stop.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
The Last Straw
The moment I gave up on loving my Mother came when I was 31 years old. I haven't gone too far into the history just yet, so I will fill in bits and pieces in each post, and post longer details in other posts....I apologize in advance for repeated information.
SO, what happened that made me finally realize she would never love me, never stop punishing me for past mistakes, (or things she perceived as mistakes), and she would always find something else to be mad about. ALWAYS. A quick background; after separating from my husband and moving back in with my parents with my child, we stayed in this town that is the exact opposite of everything that brings me joy in life. I was under the assumption that it was just temporary and I was grateful for a roof over my child's head. It was impossible to find decent employment and anytime I even broached the subject of going to the city to be able to make a decent living, or go where I wanted, it would set off a tirade about how it was dangerous and she wouldn't have me or her grandchild living that far from her....it was a nightmare. They live in the middle of nowhere.....no kidding, we had to put in the pipes for running water and a drive way....but, "Hey, it was a great deal." Going out there to this day, makes my skin crawl. I digress.
I had gone back to school after being dumped by yet another 3 month relationship (we'll talk about sabotage later), and being fired from a feed store because my child had gotten sick and I had no one else to pick him up. They had been looking for a reason to fire me anyway because they considered me a Yankee. I was able to go back to school via Pell grant and had gotten all of my supplies, everything was taken care of. There was quite a bit left over and I decided I wanted to get myself an early Birthday present, also for starting a new life. I wanted some new ink and I had been showing her some designs I wanted to get and where I wanted to get them....for a few weeks as a matter of fact. She seem to really like what I had come up with....so the day came and since she had hidden my money from me, for "safe keeping" of course, my Father went in and got it for me....she happened to be in a drug induced sleep at this point. I went and got my tattoos, I was overjoyed with them, the girls did a fantastic job and they weren't expensive...double score! I could feel it in my bones on the way back to the house that something was wrong. Sure enough, I got back, showed them to my Father, he liked them.....then I was summoned to her bedroom. I was still trying to convince myself that my fear was unfounded, I excitedly showed her where the artist had changed up part of my design and how much better it looked.
That's when she attacked. Accused me of sneaking off while she was asleep and doing it behind her back, I would never get a job now, (they are on my wrists), I looked like a biker bitch, she's never been so ashamed of me in her entire life, how could I do that to her. I was at a loss for words, as we are often when the Narc decides to flip out after lulling you into a false sense of security. I will quote parts of my journal.....
4/9/05
"I went and got tattoos on Friday, been telling everyone I was gonna do it for at least two weeks. Mom said whatever but as usual changed her mind AFTER it was done! Now I'm disowned once again, so much for her saying nothing short of murder. She's such a liar, her love is so conditional. I can't wait until I graduate and get the hell away from her. I feel really bad for Dad because she lashed out at him for what I did. I think she forgets who takes care of her when she's sick. She can get her own damn candy from now on! Let her go into a diabetic coma again, see if I fucking care. I'm done with her, she's threatened me for the last time. I'm 31 and I'll do whatever I please with MY body!! I know why she's doing this, the week of rest that the Dr. put her on is almost up and she still doesn't want to have to do anything, or she's trying to make her self sicker. I thought about it, I've had a sick Mom since I was a kid. I'm tired of it and then her blaming me for it."
I will continue that entry in a second post, partially because it's long and secondly, I'd like to point out how I was still duped by and defending my Father, the enabler. At that point, I thought he was just as much of a victim as I was. We were in it together against the monster.....only later did I realize that it was him feeding me to her. Almost every single time he was supposed to be "having a talk," with me, he would say, "I know she's wrong and she really has no right to be mad, but you know how your Mother is. Just go and apologize, she'll calm down in a few days. You and I know you didn't do anything wrong." But to keep the peace, I had to take it. I had to protect him from being yelled at, I had to protect my child.....who the fuck was protecting me?
SO, what happened that made me finally realize she would never love me, never stop punishing me for past mistakes, (or things she perceived as mistakes), and she would always find something else to be mad about. ALWAYS. A quick background; after separating from my husband and moving back in with my parents with my child, we stayed in this town that is the exact opposite of everything that brings me joy in life. I was under the assumption that it was just temporary and I was grateful for a roof over my child's head. It was impossible to find decent employment and anytime I even broached the subject of going to the city to be able to make a decent living, or go where I wanted, it would set off a tirade about how it was dangerous and she wouldn't have me or her grandchild living that far from her....it was a nightmare. They live in the middle of nowhere.....no kidding, we had to put in the pipes for running water and a drive way....but, "Hey, it was a great deal." Going out there to this day, makes my skin crawl. I digress.
I had gone back to school after being dumped by yet another 3 month relationship (we'll talk about sabotage later), and being fired from a feed store because my child had gotten sick and I had no one else to pick him up. They had been looking for a reason to fire me anyway because they considered me a Yankee. I was able to go back to school via Pell grant and had gotten all of my supplies, everything was taken care of. There was quite a bit left over and I decided I wanted to get myself an early Birthday present, also for starting a new life. I wanted some new ink and I had been showing her some designs I wanted to get and where I wanted to get them....for a few weeks as a matter of fact. She seem to really like what I had come up with....so the day came and since she had hidden my money from me, for "safe keeping" of course, my Father went in and got it for me....she happened to be in a drug induced sleep at this point. I went and got my tattoos, I was overjoyed with them, the girls did a fantastic job and they weren't expensive...double score! I could feel it in my bones on the way back to the house that something was wrong. Sure enough, I got back, showed them to my Father, he liked them.....then I was summoned to her bedroom. I was still trying to convince myself that my fear was unfounded, I excitedly showed her where the artist had changed up part of my design and how much better it looked.
That's when she attacked. Accused me of sneaking off while she was asleep and doing it behind her back, I would never get a job now, (they are on my wrists), I looked like a biker bitch, she's never been so ashamed of me in her entire life, how could I do that to her. I was at a loss for words, as we are often when the Narc decides to flip out after lulling you into a false sense of security. I will quote parts of my journal.....
4/9/05
"I went and got tattoos on Friday, been telling everyone I was gonna do it for at least two weeks. Mom said whatever but as usual changed her mind AFTER it was done! Now I'm disowned once again, so much for her saying nothing short of murder. She's such a liar, her love is so conditional. I can't wait until I graduate and get the hell away from her. I feel really bad for Dad because she lashed out at him for what I did. I think she forgets who takes care of her when she's sick. She can get her own damn candy from now on! Let her go into a diabetic coma again, see if I fucking care. I'm done with her, she's threatened me for the last time. I'm 31 and I'll do whatever I please with MY body!! I know why she's doing this, the week of rest that the Dr. put her on is almost up and she still doesn't want to have to do anything, or she's trying to make her self sicker. I thought about it, I've had a sick Mom since I was a kid. I'm tired of it and then her blaming me for it."
I will continue that entry in a second post, partially because it's long and secondly, I'd like to point out how I was still duped by and defending my Father, the enabler. At that point, I thought he was just as much of a victim as I was. We were in it together against the monster.....only later did I realize that it was him feeding me to her. Almost every single time he was supposed to be "having a talk," with me, he would say, "I know she's wrong and she really has no right to be mad, but you know how your Mother is. Just go and apologize, she'll calm down in a few days. You and I know you didn't do anything wrong." But to keep the peace, I had to take it. I had to protect him from being yelled at, I had to protect my child.....who the fuck was protecting me?
Friday, May 15, 2015
Introduction
I wish to remain anonymous at this point. I may or may not reveal my identity in the future, but for now, I have two children, a husband and a still healing heart to protect.
What I will reveal, I am a woman in my early 40's, an only child, once divorced....almost twice...but have repaired that relationship. You will get mad for me and at me at times because of what I allowed to happen to me. Anyone who has lived under the tyranny of a person who is a Narcissist will most likely empathize, but I am doing this to get it off of my chest.
I no longer live with my Mother and my co-dependent Father, I am safe, I am growing strong.....I thank a small handful of people for helping me with this, even if one was the cause of great strife and heartache in the past few years. As painful as it was, I was able to put my foot down and stand up for myself. *Forewarning* If you are freshly out of an abusive relationship expect to revert back to being a two year old who has discovered the power of the word NO. You will become drunk with the power of this simple two letter word. You WILL overuse it at first...expect that. For years, you have been trained and groomed to bow to the whims of another....that leaks into the rest of your life and you become a people pleaser. Personally, my Mother always volunteered me for things that would make her look better....including, but not limited to....babysitting, helping clean other people's homes, cooking for others, caring for others animals, creating art pieces for her friends....as long as I showed any type of talent, she would volunteer it at her will to improve her "status". I have never understood the need for grandiosity, and I am grateful for that. I tried to empathize the fact that her Mother was a complete, evil bitch and maybe she had a hard time getting over that. As an adult looking back, I realize, you have to grow past it at some point...especially if you have a child.
I was born on the East Coast, grew up on the West Coast. When I was in my early 20's, I met and married a "boy" in a VERY short period of time....of course I thought I loved him....I was looking for an escape from her. I was planning on a quickie wedding chapel ceremony, but of course, my mother had to plan this whole wedding....that I didn't want. But, if I were to gripe about it...."well, I'm going to school AND planning my only Daughter's wedding. I will not be denied!!" It was not my wedding, it was hers. I also got a rash of shit because she didn't get to co walk me down the aisle...and my Father didn't give her enough credit in the toast...and she didn't get to pick the Honeymoon spot...and I didn't have a special dance just for her. The list could go on for days or weeks about what a horrible daughter I am. The marriage was a mistake, for the most part, I did get a beautiful human being born out of it. I will also cover how I married my Mother and how I went from the frying pan, into the fire and then into a fucking broiler....not sorry, I curse, like...a lot. That was another thing my Mother tried to shame me out of...."It's not ladylike." I.DON'T.GIVE.A.FLYING.FUCK!!! I will explain at a later date about the tattoos I got that made my Mother disown me for the thousandth time and then how she faked a heart attack when she realized she was in the wrong. Typical tactic of the NPD, if nothing else is working, feign illness.....clearly, you're not responsible for being a horrible person if you're sick. My Mother has been "sick" since I was less that two years of age. My first memory of her is being in a hospital parking lot with my Father and her waving from the room in a flowing aqua colored gown.
I think this is a good stopping point for my first post. There will be more stories...I will own my part of each story as I see it...not trying to impart a perfect image of myself as I am human, and I grew up in home where I was frequently thrown under the bus because my Father was spineless to a raging Narcissist.
This is for my own catharsis, but if it helps even a single person, I am glad I typed these words. Thank you....here we go.
What I will reveal, I am a woman in my early 40's, an only child, once divorced....almost twice...but have repaired that relationship. You will get mad for me and at me at times because of what I allowed to happen to me. Anyone who has lived under the tyranny of a person who is a Narcissist will most likely empathize, but I am doing this to get it off of my chest.
I no longer live with my Mother and my co-dependent Father, I am safe, I am growing strong.....I thank a small handful of people for helping me with this, even if one was the cause of great strife and heartache in the past few years. As painful as it was, I was able to put my foot down and stand up for myself. *Forewarning* If you are freshly out of an abusive relationship expect to revert back to being a two year old who has discovered the power of the word NO. You will become drunk with the power of this simple two letter word. You WILL overuse it at first...expect that. For years, you have been trained and groomed to bow to the whims of another....that leaks into the rest of your life and you become a people pleaser. Personally, my Mother always volunteered me for things that would make her look better....including, but not limited to....babysitting, helping clean other people's homes, cooking for others, caring for others animals, creating art pieces for her friends....as long as I showed any type of talent, she would volunteer it at her will to improve her "status". I have never understood the need for grandiosity, and I am grateful for that. I tried to empathize the fact that her Mother was a complete, evil bitch and maybe she had a hard time getting over that. As an adult looking back, I realize, you have to grow past it at some point...especially if you have a child.
I was born on the East Coast, grew up on the West Coast. When I was in my early 20's, I met and married a "boy" in a VERY short period of time....of course I thought I loved him....I was looking for an escape from her. I was planning on a quickie wedding chapel ceremony, but of course, my mother had to plan this whole wedding....that I didn't want. But, if I were to gripe about it...."well, I'm going to school AND planning my only Daughter's wedding. I will not be denied!!" It was not my wedding, it was hers. I also got a rash of shit because she didn't get to co walk me down the aisle...and my Father didn't give her enough credit in the toast...and she didn't get to pick the Honeymoon spot...and I didn't have a special dance just for her. The list could go on for days or weeks about what a horrible daughter I am. The marriage was a mistake, for the most part, I did get a beautiful human being born out of it. I will also cover how I married my Mother and how I went from the frying pan, into the fire and then into a fucking broiler....not sorry, I curse, like...a lot. That was another thing my Mother tried to shame me out of...."It's not ladylike." I.DON'T.GIVE.A.FLYING.FUCK!!! I will explain at a later date about the tattoos I got that made my Mother disown me for the thousandth time and then how she faked a heart attack when she realized she was in the wrong. Typical tactic of the NPD, if nothing else is working, feign illness.....clearly, you're not responsible for being a horrible person if you're sick. My Mother has been "sick" since I was less that two years of age. My first memory of her is being in a hospital parking lot with my Father and her waving from the room in a flowing aqua colored gown.
I think this is a good stopping point for my first post. There will be more stories...I will own my part of each story as I see it...not trying to impart a perfect image of myself as I am human, and I grew up in home where I was frequently thrown under the bus because my Father was spineless to a raging Narcissist.
This is for my own catharsis, but if it helps even a single person, I am glad I typed these words. Thank you....here we go.
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