"You Needed Me"

Ah, this friggin song. I think it was after the car accident the day before my 5th Birthday that led to her going to a chiropractor three years later. This chiropractor was a very sturdy, over six foot woman named Jerry. I remember Jerry lived in a very old Victorian in the nice section of San Bernardino just up the street from the hospital. Mostly I sat in the stamp post sized front office....I can only imagine it used to be a laundry room. Regardless, I was very young...between 7-8 yrs old....and of course, very restless. I would often go wandering in search of the bathroom....not really, she had a very cool Gothic style house and lots of cats. Jerry was not fond of children, but I eventually won her over by talking about my favorite show, In Search Of and the fact that I was very quiet. A lot of abused children have this ability because we don't want to attract attention. To this day, when I walk up to somone I frequently give them a start....particularly children. Jerry eventually let me come in and sit on the stairs to pet the cats.

But I digress, this song always reminds me of that time period. We had an 8 track player in the car and the house....this one was mostly played in the car. But OH the dramatics that occurred every time this one came on.....the tears, the hand gestures, the off key singing. and me trapped in a moving vehicle. I never quite understood who it was directed at, but most likely my father. Mind you, I do like the song and the artist....Anne Murray is awesome, but it always made me uncomfortable with the whole production, and the whole pedestal part, like she deserved it. I refused to listen to it for years, but happened to hear it the other day and it all came rushing back. All the times that I was treated as a confidant, told personal business and punished if I didn't take her side.

My Miscarriage

This happened approximately six years ago. I was four months pregnant and while vacuuming, I started feeling a little pain so I made an appointment for the next day to go to the Dr. I got my oldest son to school and loaded up my younger son (3 at the time) and headed over to my appointment. They checked for a fetal heartbeat and didn't find one, I was scared. They decided to do an ultrasound....as soon as I stepped foot over the threshold I felt a gush like my water had just broke. The nurse said she would watch my son while I went to the restroom. I was hemorrhaging badly...came back in tears and told the nurse, they got me into another room and called in the Dr. He confirmed I lost my daughter and at this point I was drifting in and out of consciousness. They called my husband, loaded my child and I into an ambulance, with the nurse who kindly stayed with my little boy until my husband arrived. It was a traumatic day for all of us.

Cue my NMom's arrival, thankfully I didn't have to see her until I got home, and she was already giving me grief about not being trusted to watch my younger child...Edad brought him home and stayed until my husband came home. She also told me she threw away my sonogram pictures...the ONLY ones I had of our daughter...so I wouldn't have to be reminded. My husband was furious, as was I, but turns out she lied. Who the fuck thinks that's okay to say to a grieving mother while she's in the hospital? So, she decided to stay a few days to "help me out". She had Edad run over a pot of beef Stew she had made so no one would have to cook, which I thought was nice but,....it was burnt. Literally tasted like someone dumped an ashtray in it. I wound up running her all over the place to go shopping 2 days after coming back home. I was exhausted and bleeding like a stuck pig (sorry for TMI). My Edad called my phone and I went to another aisle to beg him to take her home because I needed to rest and she had me out all day. I still didn't have the balls to tell her myself. He convinced her to come home and I was able to start healing. I wasn't able to fully break down in front of her because she loved to see me cry...that's her go to supply and would often try to poke me until I cried. When she went home that night, my husband and I were finally able to grieve.

I am able to talk about it now, but have never forgiven her....was also mad at myself for putting up with that. I could have wound back up in the hospital, it was stupid and dangerous to be walking around all day after losing that much blood and having a medical procedure two days prior. So many things we do and put up with just to not rock the boat and upset them.

Been A While.

I have finally gone no contact as of March and I am using my name now. No more hiding, no more protecting anyone anymore. So, let's catch up shall we?

When I last left you, I made a correct prediction.....ta da, it's a fucking miracle, no surgery was needed! So, when that didn't work and get the reaction she expected, she pulled out the emphysema card. She tried to gear up the water works and references to my Grandfather who suffered from the disease as well. She was upset, when again, I didn't react the way she expected me to. I just didn't have the energy to come to her "deathbed" performance yet again. You smoke for 50 years and that shit is bound to happen, the only thing that surprised me was that she still had 60% breathing capacity....(she did NOT appreciate my being flippant about that). Regardless, it was followed by the usual guilt trips so I got off the phone.

My youngest child's Birthday was next and one of my Uncle's was gravely ill at the time. I hadn't spoken to him in many years because my NMom got into a fight with his wife. NMom has always tried to get me to favor my older child over my younger, accusing me constantly of favoring the younger....completely false. They are a good number of years apart so OF COURSE they are treated differently because they are in different stages of their life and a 10 year old does not require the same amount of attention as an infant. So, I didn't go out of my way this time to remind any of them about his Birthday. I knew what was going to happen, they would only call to wish him a Happy Birthday after I had posted the picture of his presents online.....(I was proud of the theme, otherwise, I probably wouldn't have posted it.) Half an hour before his bedtime, and my EDad called.....SHOCK. So it was then that I told them about the Party the next day and the address.....guess who wasn't surprised that they didn't show up.....or call....or text to say they couldn't make it. That evening, after the party was over, I heard from one of my cousin's that my Uncle had just passed. I was heartbroken, thought maybe he would pull through. I never got to say goodbye. When I talked to EDad the next day, he apologized for them no coming and get this.....blamed it on my Uncle's passing. I'm sure that was the story he was given to say, unforgivable nonetheless. Another straw on the camel's back.

That episode led me to my decision about Christmas. Every year, my Husband's family has a gathering at one of their houses, and we usually rotate every year. NMom decided long ago that she has issue with my Mother-in-law and her Sister (Aunt-in-law), so they never show for any of the holiday get together's then proceed to guilt me for not spending it with them. Sorry, it's easier for everyone to gather in one place and if you can't manage to get along with people a few days out of the year, that's YOUR fucking problem. Grow up already. As it was, we skipped the Christmas before last just to appease her. They usually spend Christmas Eve with us and then it's a rush to open presents, cook everyone breakfast AND get ready while she's asking me a millions questions or getting in my way. So, this past Xmas, I decided it was just going to be us as a family and if they wanted to spend it with us, they always had an open invitation to the family party. I had sent her the text and she ignored it. Just before Thanksgiving I texted my EDad to make sure they understood that I would not be hosting anyone. He seemed to understand, she did not speak to me for weeks.....it was bliss. I enjoyed watching my kids open their presents, made breakfast and got ready with time to spare......I was also very relaxed.

The final straw. Got a call from another cousin that my NGrandmother had a massive stroke and was on life support and he wasn't able to get a hold of my parents or NAunt (she and her husband live with them). They needed her daughters to sign papers to take her off life support since she was brain dead. I hadn't spoken to NG in 18yrs and will post some of the reasons why in another post. So, got a hold of EDad. Left a message and he called me back....conversation went fine, it was a nice talk. Had sent NMom a text and she was very short in her responses a few hours later. A few days later, I text EDad to see if he wants to go to lunch again the next week as the youngest would be on Spring Break and the Oldest works evening shifts....he never responded. Cue March 25, one of my Aunts told me that morning that NG passed the night before. I sent my condolences, especially to my cousin that still tried to maintain a relationship with NG, I knew she would be upset. I got a phone call from NMom about 15 mins before I was leaving to get the youngest from school, let it go to voicemail and then called her from the road. Figured it would be a long enough time, but finite. Offered my condolences, listened to the usual rewriting of history of how NMom protected me from NG....total bullshit, but whatever, she would never see herself as less than a hero and completely gloss over my corrections. Didn't take too long for the guilt tripping to start after she got NG's death out of the way. She was hurt that we didn't invite her to something she would have never come to, but my in-laws were there, so of course it was seen as a slight. Blah, blah, you never call me, blah, blah, you never visit, blah, blah, why do you always invite EDad to lunch.......hold up, WHAT? So, he still hadn't responded to me, but he told her?? WHAT THE FUCK? Since when is asking my Father to lunch a bad thing or something I need to explain to her? And why did it feel like I got snitched on? The only reason I put up with her after the tattoo incident of '05 was because of him......and he had just betrayed me. Of course I vague booked about it, but when she liked the post, that was the straw that broke the camels back. I immediately unfriended all of them, then thought about it and blocked them all too.

It's been a peaceful few months, save for the panic attacks because of all the suppressed memories and feelings that have made their way to the surface. My NAunt texted and my EDad called my husband for his Birthday, but I have not heard a peep from any of them. My anger, anxiety and self loathing is dissipating. I have also found a drink mix that helps me A LOT....http://www.zarbees.com/product/calming-blend Not being paid to advertise that, I happened to pick it up on clearance one day in Target and have noticed a definite change in myself. The panic attacks rarely happen when I take this.

More updates/stories soon :)

Pity party, table of one.

Here we go again. She's seen me for a short period of time so she wants to leech back onto me for her supply. This round is the, "I have a serious illness," again. She had also had my oldest son for a week....only 1 week this time and she wanted to keep him. They tried to use my empathy that Dad was hard at wok all week and hadn't gotten much time with him. I did not bite the bate this go round because they were to bring him back on his Birthday, a mile stone Birthday.....NOPE, not getting past me this time.

So, a few days after....OH, one thing, and this will be another post, but she brought nothing from her house to dump off on me. Anyway, a few days later, she calls me, (during dinner time, OF COURSE), and when I didn't answer, (because I was feeding my family), she texts me to call her please. *eye roll* In my gut, I knew I shouldn't have called, but I never know if something actually bad happened when she calls me with tears in her voice. I call, like the idiot I am and she proceeds to tell me she has A gallstone and she has to have surgery and she can't eat greasy food anymore and boo hoo, whoa is her. This woman somehow manages to survive on soda and candy, has three teeth in her head and smokes about 2 packs a day.....oh, she "doesn't inhale" though, so it's not really smoking somehow? Never mind the fact that if I crack a joke and she laughs, she'll wind up coughing to the point of puking......and....I...have...to...listen. Between that and having to repeat everything 2 or 3 times because she's "getting a hearing aid," (20 years she's been saying that), I really hate talking to her. Also, the phone is always on speaker and she's under the delusion that everyone else in the world has to do that as well. I was trying to relay information to her about Birthday plans and we were on the highway....she wouldn't even let me finish a sentence before she was relaying the information to my Dad, who was standing right there and could hear me because I was on SPEAKER!!! I finally got fed up and told her, "Just put Dad on the phone please."

But, I digress....didn't mean to veer off there. So, the ailment du jour, is a gall stone and, I didn't pick up on this when I talked to her, she was in pain the entire time at my house. "But you had no idea did you?" in her theatrical voice. I reply, "no, I didn't." I wasn't paying attention to her, it was my son's day. "Well, good, then I did my job." *she was quite chuffed with having fooled her daughter on this one.* What fucking job? To fool your child? Idiot! So, she explains to me how she thought it was scar tissue and *sob* she doesn't want to go through another surgery. I lost count on how many she's had....mostly abdominal, which would be where the scar tissue is. Now, anyone who has had gallstones or gallbladder issues knows that it, nor the pain, is located in the pelvic area. I have had gallstones, (she likes to adopt my injuries or ailments for sympathy), and while I can tolerate a good amount of pain was knocked on my ass because of it. I couldn't eat...she had no problem. I couldn't walk upright...again, no problem for her. At this point I think she full of shit not a gallstone.....who gets just one anyway?

So, I will keep you updated on how she gets out of this one....because I know that's coming next. All of a sudden, "It's a miracle! I can continue to eat your meatballs and all the other fried crap that I stuff into my gaping maw! Isn't that the best?" No. I want to see you go through with the surgery. I want you to have to eat your fucking lies for once in your god damn selfish existence!! Why would you intentionally worry your family just to get sympathy? Because you are a narcissistic cunt, that's why and hope you DO have to have your gallbladder removed and never be able to eat the crap that you do. I told her years ago that the diet soda was going to lead to it anyway.....so let it be so.

She'll get away with it like she always does though.

Trying to distract me.

Needed a break from the emotion, as most of us in those situations do. I am still low contact, my child who was unfortunately brought into that situation, graduated from High school in June. I invited my parents and my Aunt and Uncle who now live with them (Gods have mercy on them), along with my in-laws. 

So, we get into the auditorium, there are some stairs.....I really should have seen what was coming given my mothers history....JUST as the class was filing in, her stupid ass decides to fake a fall on the stairs!!! Typical NPD reaction. "Let's see who my daughter cares about more!" My Aunt was pulling her up off her flat ass, but my eyes were focused on my Baby. This was his moment and it was partially my moment. I had raised this beautiful human and he was walking toward his goal. HOW FUCKING DARE SHE!!! It was in that moment, I knew she would continue the abuse....even with him. Now I'm struggling with the fact that they would like to have him during his time off.....he wants to go, mostly because he can sleep until 3 in the afternoon and eat as much junk food as he likes. I can't blame him, I was once a teenager. 

I swear, I was so angry I was ready to push her down the rest of the stairs, but my husband stopped me. Also, I was crying so much that it wasn't a viable option....so I tried to ignore it. I checked on her in the interim, and then went back to being a proud Mom. 

I have cut her off at just about every point this week.....she posted on both mine and my 17 yr old FB page about when we're coming...even though she said it wouldn't be okay until the first of Aug (she started in July) and I successfully thwarted her every move. She informed me that I could take back a piece of furniture that I had purchased and wanted back....but she kept it from me. When she offered, I refused and that sent her into a tizzy...."But you asked for it!" Yeah, like 7 years ago bitch and you said NO. I no longer have the room for it and besides, I will NOT be beholding to you for SHIT! Fuck you! 

Apparently, I am a horrible Daughter for not remembering the parents Anniversary. Not sure why, she hardly remembers mine. It's not like I forgot her Birthday or any of the significant Holidays, but I forgot her Anniversary so, I'm awful. Was I supposed to throw a party or something? I was proud of the fact that I told her, "Haven't forgotten it for 40 years, but I forgot this one and you're never going to let it go, are you mom?" She replied, "Well, Aunt E forgot too. And no one mentioned our 40th, it made me so sad." It's YOUR wedding anniversary, not a National Holiday!! I mean, oh my gawd....you want a fucking parade for suckering some sap to take you on? Get over yourself. I don't expect that when it's mine...nor would any sane person!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

The Last Straw Pt. 3

The saga continues into it's third day......

  "Third day and she's gotten her second wind. I shouldn't have asked her how she was feeling. I think it's funny that she's trying to start a fight, trying to make some sort of warped point, It's too late, I've already shut her out. [child] even said to me, "I wish grandma would knock off her attitude!" I told him not to say that, it's not nice, but I just don't want her starting in on him next. I'm no longer allowed to get on the computer, (no biggie, I can check my mail & surf at school,) and I'm not allowed to watch TV either, (whatever, most of what I watch is on NBC.) So fuck you, you are not hurting me. She calls me immature while she does this childish shit!? I am so over her games. She's gonna be the one who looks like an idiot when I let it roll off my back and Dad finally loses his temper. He's not going to walk around on egg shells for too long. I'm sure she's cooking up new ways to piss me off and hurt me so she can start a fight before Dad gets home so she can play injured mother. Wonder if another "heart attack" is on the way? If I get passionate about my view points, I'm overreacting or being too negative....if only she could look in the fucking mirror!!! She overreacts to EVERYTHING! I wish I had a lot of money so I could get the hell away from her.

  I knew she would start a fight before Dad got home! Fucking Aunt G got on the phone to me, took everything I said and twisted it around to HER. Last time I tell her anything. So I'm there, trying to apologize and of course, I'm getting screamed at, called stupid, irresponsible, lazy, selfish, biker chick, worse than [a girl she deemed white trash], jobless....all of the regulars she says to me, except she left [NPD Grandmother] and [General Fuckup Uncle] out of it this time. Then she starts swinging, smacked me in the side of the head! Did she think I was just going to stand there and take it? I grabbed her hands and threw them away from me. She kicked me out again saying she'd call the police if I took my own child. I told her to go right ahead. She said pack my shit and get out. I looked her dead in the eyes and said, "I'm done." Poor Dad had to hear it from her when he got in the house, he was pulling in the driveway as I was packing. [Child] was crying because he thought grandma was going to take him from me and then she wonders why no one respects her or wants to be around her. She's fucking crazy! It's so unfair how she terrorizes our lives. I'm so tired of being blamed for everything that's wrong in her life. I've never been able to do anything right in her mind. No more, the nano second I get a chance to get out safely, I'm gone! She thinks we couldn't possibly get along without her, if only she knew how wrong she is. Things would be so much more peaceful. [Child] and I have gotten along SO much better since she's in her room. I would be sad if she died, but at least we'd all be free. I just wish she'd leave me alone. Time for bed now. Dad told her to drop it and move on. We'll see what I get yelled at for tomorrow."

So, I was punished. LOL, that was always one of her favorites, take stuff away from me. Now mind you, the computer I was banned from was one that I had bought. Everything in me was screaming for my Dad to help me, but it wasn't until he got annoyed with it that he told her to stop. Immediately after I grabbed her hands so she couldn't hit me again, she got this evil look in her eyes, gritted her teeth and said, "You tried to hit me. You did hit me. You hit me!" I did not try to hit her, but she proceeded to tell my Father that I did. When he asked me if I had, it killed me. I said, "If I had, I wouldn't have stopped Dad. I was preventing her from hitting me again."  But the fact that he even believed it for a second.
Yes, I was jobless, thanks for reminding me that I can't find one in this piece of shit town...she was jobless too! I should have called the cops, to this day, I regret not calling them. But the inner monologue she had instilled had me convinced that it was somehow my fault. I was selfish for buying something for myself, which I still rarely do, instead of buying her something. I don't know if that was what sparked her, she had been going on and on about a particular gem stone that she didn't own a piece of. Maybe I was right about her ordered bed rest almost being over with....she does like to milk each illness for all it's worth. If that doesn't work, she'll injure herself. After I had moved out, she broke her ankle going out to the car at 2 in the morning for a carton of cigarettes and she slipped on the stairs. My immediate thought? She did it on purpose, but only meant to twist her ankle. See, they were having family down from another state and she didn't feel like cleaning the house, so she tried a different body part to the, "too injured to help much," scheme. She didn't bargain on her bones being so brittle from years of smoking and letting your sugar run low so you could binge on candy. I came and I helped, but I didn't stay, she was not pleased but couldn't say anything. I almost pitied my Father that day as I looked at the piles of ashes and butts everywhere, a garbage bag stationed right next to her stake of the couch full of candy wrappers, soda cans and empty cigarette packs, but then I remembered every time I had to apologize for nothing. I remembered every tire mark from that bus I was constantly tossed under. He let this monster grow and she was his problem now. I got in my car and drove home to my family.

The Last Straw Pt. 2

  I am just going to launch into the second half of this journal post....it may be jumbled in parts because I was so hurt and so angry as I was writing.

  "Maybe I should start blaming her, if she hadn't told me all my life, "you're doing it wrong, let me do it." Nothing I have ever done has been right in my life because it's not what she would have done. She's so much fucking better than everyone else! If she's not careful, she's gonna push Dad away again, then how is she going to pay the bills? It seems like we're just in this life for her to yell at and put down.
I know what's going to happen. She's gonna calm down and come to her senses, then act like she had every right, because god knows, the world revolves around her, and everything we do is with her in mind. This had nothing to do with her and it's none of her fucking business!

  I was right! Once again, she apologizes in her own way after faking a heart attack so she could blame me for killing her. I love how any time she 's wrong, she mysteriously "gets ill" so that she can still be right and we can't defend ourselves. I've been onto that trick for years, not foolin me!

  I don't think I've ever heard, "I'm sorry," come out of that woman's mouth. But, of course, she's never wrong. Some of the things she does to us, she just acts like it's no big deal. But if we were to act in kind....gods forbid, we're trying to kill her! She always has to be right and we just have to smile and agree, even though we know she's full of shit. She keeps pushing the way she does and she'll be left all by herself. Who's gonna be there for her to put down? Who's gonna not panic when she goes into a low blood sugar reaction? I mean, who goes with her to the fucking Dr. ALL the time? Who held a can of cold fucking soda to her ass so she wouldn't bleed out? Who called the ambulance on her 19th Birthday because she went into a coma!?! NO! I'm trying to kill her because I got a couple of tattoos!!! I wish she knew how stupid she is and that we just think of her as the person who screams and tells us what to do. We'd be better off if she wasn't here. We'd probably just hear her from there though.

  Second stage has started. She's agreed to let me use her car for the next week till I can get my car fixed. It's not like I asked, I was fully prepared to take the damn bus. She's afraid of being found out because Dad was going to take her to the Dr's tomorrow and she'd have been exposed as a fraud and Dad would have been livid. Aunt G is going to going to jump all over her shit tomorrow though. She'll explain it as, she didn't want to spend the money or Dad couldn't take a day off of work. She's so full of shit. So back to the second phase; she said about the "serious talk" like she always does. I played the part of being ashamed of myself, (the 5 yr old), and she did the, "never been so mad at you, what a rotten person you are, you NEVER do anything in this house, it's time for you to grow up," routine. She wants me to call Aunt E and Aunt G and tell them, "what I did." I got news for her, I already told them and they want to see my new tattoos. If her dumbass could remember a fucking thing anyone told her, she'd remember that I already told her about them. She says I only told her about one, she never fucking listens to a damn word I say! She's always thinking about herself, always thinking about how she can get one up on us. I just stood there wishing her head would explode, or her voice disappear along with the rest of her. She's taken to calling me by my full name to try and prove her point, I think it's funny. It's so freeing once you stop actually caring what your Mother thinks."

  Good stopping point as there is more. I will try to clarify a few things and add some thoughts. So, at this point I saw her game, I knew her moves.....and I was hoping everyone else would see them too AND the blatant unfairness of this situation. I was always hoping Dad would finally stand up to her and put her in her place, but it didn't. I think he tried a few times, but there was always hell to pay afterward, so he stopped.

  My Mom had this annoying habit of acting nonchalant when she knew she was at fault for something...we'd get an oops and a shrug. We weren't afforded that luxury, if we didn't act like we deserved to be flogged so that the queen herself could graciously pardon us or not at her will, all hell would break loose. The diabetes subject will have it's own longer post, but as it pertains to this post; She was diagnosed as diabetic, but never took it seriously because she's a sugar junkie and will not be denied her snacks and candy. On my 19th Birthday I was babysitting a kid next door and my other neighbor came to tell me, she called him to get me to take her to the hospital (the house I was at didn't have a phone). The kids brother was now home and said brother's girlfriend was comforting me moments before because I had just found out I was pregnant, lovely. I go home, open the door and find her laying unconscious.....I go into automatic mode. Checked for a pulse, still breathing, won't wake up, get the phone, call 911, grab the address book to call people from the hospital, grab a plastic bag, explain to 911 what's going on, take the plastic bag and start filling it with every prescription bottle in the bathroom, they are on their way, go open the front door, try to wake Mom up again, sniff the liquid that remains in the cup she spilled, apple juice, stick the spilled ice cubes back in the cup, take the cup to the kitchen and put it in the sink, grab a dish towel and try to dry the spill while trying to wake her up, EMT come in, she starts to rouse, they ask her name and she gives them mine, they look to me for confirmation, I shake my head no and explain that it's my name, they take her in the ambulance, I grab all the stuff and lock the door as I head to my car, briefly explain to kid's brother why I have to go and he's in charge, practically hold my breath the entire way to the hospital, give the hospital what information I have from her wallet, go over to the pay phone and call my Dad's work to get a message that he needs to come, call my Aunt and tell her what's going on. Then, I stopped holding my breath and fell apart behind a potted plant.
  The soda can, sigh. She wanted a mole removed and the Dr. obliged but didn't realize it was a vein cluster. It took a lot of cold pressure and a few hours before she finally let me call an ambulance. I was washing blood off myself, out of clothing and out of carpet for days.
  Those were only two things, out of the many that I have done for her, but it will never be enough. Once I realized that, I was able to start seeing everything the way it actually was. The longer I was away from her, the more clarity I got. It will NEVER be enough for these people and you will NEVER catch the carrot they are dangling. They like the role of the martyr and will do almost anything to stay in that role. They will turn on you like vipers and make your life miserable until they are satisfied you are back in your place. There is no winning, they will go in circles for hours and days until you are so dizzy and confused, they have you admitting to anything just to make them stop.